Half-Eaten Muffin Just Sits On Desk As Human Rights Council Debates Rohingya Food Security

The Onion—While the United Nations Human Rights Council scrambled to pass their resolution addressing food security for the oppressed Rohingya minority in Myanmar, a half-eaten muffin sat neglected on a desk in the Committee room. The muffin, found at the seat of the Delegate of the Philippines, appeared to have suffered a few bites before being severed from its ridged paper cup. “Why does this always happen to me?” lamented the muffin. “I was so excited when the barista glanced at me, gently picked me out of my shelf – me out of all my brothers and sisters! – and handed me to my rightful owner. And now he just leaves me here? Why can’t I ever live up to my potential? I just want to be part of the solution, help end the Rohingya food security crisis, and give back to the community! Can’t these delegates see that their true resolution sits right in front of their eyes?” In a press statement, Secretary-General Guterres expressed his “deep concern for the well-being of the baked wheat product under the auspices of the United Nations” and declared, “We have launched an independent investigation into the situation so that we can fix this atrocious breach of inalienable human rights.”