BREAKING: Pyongyang Times reporter’s water poisoned at UN

PYONGYANG TIMES – At the latest UN meeting, an attempt was made on the life of the brave and heroic reporter for the Pyongyang Times. Parched from a long and hard day of investigative journalism, the reporter reached for a glass of water from the refreshments table. After a long, hearty swig, he noted a foul taste in the water and immediately stopped drinking. However it was too late, and he fell to the ground unconscious. Glorious Leader Kim Jong Un, in attendance at the conference, managed to personally resuscitate the reporter, and provide medical treatment.

Later toxicology reports found the water to contain a highly dangerous and poisonous cocktail of chemicals. This is clearly an attempt by the imperialist America to stifle the free press of the valiant DPRK. When asked his opinion, glorious leader Kim Jong Un stated that “retribution will be swift, strong, and equal in kind for this abhorrent crime by western powers. This marks the beginning of the end for America.”